Logging into Netflix, I see one of my favorite movies is back. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
It got me thinking of that one person in my life that I can’t help but wonder, would it be so bad if I could banish him from my mind? The hard work of having to heal and rebuild without him being done for me. Every fight. Gone. Every hurtful thing we ever said to each other. Every time he ever made me feel scared and alone. Every time I felt trapped and helpless with him. Every time I was made to feel infantile and weak. Gone.
If I could with one of simple tap of a delete button, eradicate the memory of our two unborn children, along with all the times he went out of his way to make me feel low and stupid.
If I could file some sort of legal action against every thought of him — a type of memory restraining order, if you will — I’d happily file the paperwork, standing before the judge, filled with relief that law enforcement would protect my mental well-being should these thoughts come back to terrorize me once more.
Disassociate him from every song, movie, or tv show that were ever watched together. How freeing it would be to dispose of the pain as well as the joy.
Though, like the film, would we be destined to cross paths? Is it fate that we would make the same mistakes? Or would I make the same mistakes with a similar person?
In the aftermath of the trauma, it’s understandable to me now why some go to such lengths to avoid the hurt. In the end, all the good memories, the love making, and the laughter, pale in comparison to the despair.